Why we always blame other people

Talking of irritation (well I was yesterday), it never fails to amaze me just how annoying other people are. Sartre called other people hell. I call other people stupid, lazy, inconsiderate, pretentious, angry, useless, and arrogant. Everything I am not.

This isn’t a good start from a writer of self help books.

Bear with me.

I am also other people.

In social psychological terms this kind of labelling is called the Fundamental Attribution Error. This states that when we look at the behaviour of other people we tend to blame their behaviour on personality shortcomings. When we explain our own similar behaviour it’s always the fault of things outside of our control - the situation in which we find ourselves.

For example, if we see someone shouting angrily at a train that just departed we tend to assume they are ‘a very angry person’. But when we ourselves shout angrily at a train we just missed, it’s because the train left earlier than scheduled, the bus to the train was late, the timetable was wrong - typical British Rail incompetence - the station clock was fast - ditto - and I hate my boss because she just passed me over for promotion. Nothing to do with me at all. Anyone, after the day I just had would get upset when the last train home just left.

Whilst I am clearly a victim of circumstances, everyone else has some kind of personality disorder.

I like the fundamental attribution error.

But I also think we should give other people a little more slack when it comes to making judgements about their behaviour. 

"Our anger and annoyance are more detrimental to us than the things themselves which anger or annoy us."

Marcus Aurelius (121 - 180)
 

Even if none of it's your fault, but you're still feeling stressed and angry, take 15 minutes to relax with our free Relaxation Audio. Conscious physical relaxation has very good effects on physical and mental health, sleep, stress levels - and even the annoyance caused entirely by other people.

We all get overly stressed and angry at other people when we are less than happy ourselves - but it's often hard to know how to make changes for yourself. By following the Steps of The Real Secret, or identifying those which relate to your situation, you can raise your personal happiness levels, which will impact on those around you at work and at home as well as the anonymous people you come into contact with daily. You can also learn how to listen better (empathic listening), improve relationships at work and at home, as well as build confidence and deal with difficult people. It is available in paperback and kindle on Amazon.co.uk and Amazon. com


Posted by Annabel

How to be happy - tips from recent research

It appears that people suffering with mild to moderate depression focus too much on the bad and the sad*, and that socially anxious people tend to remember negative rather than positive experiences*. When trained to shift their attention, both groups experienced a major improvement.

In the case of the research on depression, sad faces seemed particularly attractive to people with mild to moderate depression, whereas non-depressed people found neutral or happy faces more attractive. The question is whether the increased attention paid by depressed people to unhappy or sad themes is simply a byproduct of depression or might it be a cause?

Researchers looked at the question of whether biased attention towards sadness plays a maintaining role in depression and, more specifically, they looked at the question of  whether modifying the attention for sadness, by training participants to shift their attention toward neutral stimuli, could reduce depressive symptoms.

The study provided evidence for the first time that training attention away from unhappy or sad stimuli to neutral stimuli reduces depressive symptoms. In addition, these effects lasted beyond the duration of training. Perhaps most notably, these results provide additional evidence that, rather than being by-products or symptoms of depression, attentional biases towards sad themes play a causal role in the maintenance of depressive symptoms.

These findings worked with people with mild to moderate cases of depression, and those are also the people for whom anti-depressants often don’t work. Since we are all prone to episodes of mild depression, it may well be worth remembering to keep a tab on the amount of attention you pay to sad or unhappy events - and try to stop yourself.

In the study that looked at people who suffer from social anxiety, results showed that socially anxious individuals more easily forget socially positive words and experiences than do non-anxious individuals. It’s not that socially anxious individuals have fewer positive experiences than non-anxious individuals, it’s just that they appear not to recall them as readily.

Martin Seligman’s research is worth noting here. He found that the habit of writing down Three Good Things that went well each day increased happiness and decreased depressive symptoms for six months after the single week of testing.

So if you can get into the habit of writing Three Good Things that went well, and reasons - preferably to do with you - why they went well, even if you only manage it twice a week, you’ll have clocked up over Three Hundred Good Things that have happened to you in a year.

The first and last Steps of The Real Secret "Choose to be Happy" and "Smell the Roses" give you Habits that promote focusing on the positive and have been shown to raise happiness levels. Get your copy from Amazon.com or Amazon.co.uk in paperback or Kindle



* Tony T. Wells and Christopher G. Beevers (2010) Biased Attention and Dysphoria : Manipulating selective attention reduces subsequent depressive symptoms Cognition and Emotion, Vol. 24 (4)
* Chi-wen Liang et al., (2011) Absence of a positive bias in social anxiety: The application of a directed forgetting paradigm" Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry, Vol. 42 (2)

Post by Annabel