How to end a relationship

Our intimate relationships are said by most of us to be the most important aspect of our lives. For many people, getting the relationship with their partner right is The Real Secret to a happy life. We've talked about how to tell if your relationship will last the distance, but if you have decided that yours can no longer be sustained, the way you choose to finish it can make all the difference between a rancorous and an amicable separation.

If you are the one initiating the break up (three-quarters of divorces are initiated by women), the way you tell your partner will have a big effect on the way they react,behave towards you and deal with the situation.

The Shock Factor

First, it's important to assess realistically whether they will have seen this coming. If you're not happy, it's reasonable to assume your partner is also dissatisfied with the relationship, but will the fact that you want to separate or divorce come as a shock? The more surprised they are, the longer it takes someone to accept the end of a relationship.

Psychological Advantage

If you are the person who wants to leave the relationship, recognise that you are probably in a stronger position psychologically, and in your social circle. You may have discussed your decision with close friends or family and got their support, whilst your partner, as the left person, will feel rejected and wounded - possibly made a fool of. The harder you make your "leave-taking" statement, the worse their wound will be; the worse the wound, the more likely they are to behave in "wounded-animal" ways. This is why you need to think carefully about how to tell them.

When, Where and How to Tell

Break the news during the daytime; morning is best. Choose a time when the two of you will have some uninterrupted time. Turn off the phones and make sure the children are elsewhere and secure. Consider breaking the news in a public place with some privacy -- an uncrowded beach, street or restaurant - if the setting will encourage your partner to respond in a more restrained and rational fashion.  Do it when neither of you have been drinking. Be confident. Walk firmly. Be physically as much at eye-level as possible. Speak calmly. Try to make your statement neutral and non accusative, but decisive. Talk about your own position and feelings, not their shortcomings as a partner. 

Be Prepared

It would be easiest if your partner just accepted your statement and went away to consider the ramifications, returning with a calm, accepting response - but the reality is you should be prepared for a long discussion, or a series of discussions; for attempts to get you to change your mind, for anger (more anger the greater the shock) and accusations. You should expect all sorts of guilt to be laid on you (bad wife or husband, bad father or mother, unfaithful, cruel, selfish, etc.), and for verbal abuse.

Prepare to respond calmly. Do not defend yourself. Know what you will say.

However unfair or hurtful the other person's response may be, try to avoid responding in the same way. Say any kind things you honestly can to bolster their self esteem; their anger is a mask for deep hurt and probably fear. If you have tried empathic listening before, now is a good time to use it (if not, read Step Eight of The Real Secret in advance). Allow your partner to talk and yourself to listen without interrupting. It could help you to summarise the other person's position at regular intervals, but that doesn't mean you should listen to abuse. If it becomes too unpleasant, say you'd like to talk again when you're both calmer; leave or hang up. Remember to take slow, deep breaths during  difficult conversations to help you relax.

If you fear a physical response, have somewhere that you can stay, temporarily, organised in advance. You may have to just leave, and perhaps not let your partner know where you are until they have come to terms with your separation.

What To Expect
You can expect a rejected partner to make promises to change. This is a fear response which, even if made with good intention, they may not be able to carry out. Do not expect alcoholism or drug abuse to change, despite promises. Evidence shows that once you say you are going to leave, your partner's problems with alcohol or drug abuse will become even worse. Sometimes they become temporarily better, but without therapy or other interventions  they usually become worse fairly soon.     

Children
If you have children, reassure your partner that they are still their parents and this will always be important to you. Talk right away about telling the children together, calmly. This is important for the children.

Don't Debate
It's highly unlikely that you will come to an agreement about the history of your relationship, but it's important to acknowledge that both of you have contributed to the present situation. Repeat your belief that you don't believe it can be repaired and separation or divorce is the only alternative you can see. Refuse to debate who is to blame for the past; insist only on talking about how to move into a future that is better for both of you, and, if children are involved, your whole family.

The Real Secret has instructions for Negotiating, Empathic Listening, Breathing, and other tools for managing anxiety and stress through difficult times such as relationship breakup. It will also support you with rebuilding a new life after a separation. The Real Secret is available in paperback or kindle on Amazon.co.uk and Amazon.com.

Posted by Lucy

THE LAWS OF ATTRACTION

For those of you who have stumbled across this blog thinking that you’ll get some insight into The Law of Attraction as understood by Rhonda Byrne in her book The Secret - please look away now. I have no wish to offend although I’m happy to do so in this case.

The Secret by Rhonda Bryne is filled with pseudo-scientific nonsense; there is no secret. The book was presumably written to make money but it ended up being a sinister hoax that millions fell for.

For those who haven’t been taken in by this pernicious hoax, my intention here is not to waste your time in discussing The Secret or Rhonda Byrne any further (although you may be interested in why so many people fell for and are still falling for the deceit that underpins that book - in which case please see my earlier post which looks at the Social Psychology behind such acceptance, which you can read here. It’ll make you feel good about yourself  so worth a read if only for that).

This post is about The real laws of attraction - the laws of attraction that underpin our most important relationships. How do we make friends? How do we find a lover? How do we decide whether that lover/friend has the makings of a partner for life? How come some of us are more successful than others at finding and making friends/lovers/partners? What do they know that you don’t? Please let's not believe there is some kind of secret to this. Millions do it very successfully.

What I want to do here is examine what we actually do when we are successful at finding friends/lovers/partners. So, if lasting relationships are what you are looking for then this is for you. It’s based on good honest research conducted with ordinary people, just like you and me: no deceit, no pretence - just straightforward, open-to-criticism research.

There are four Laws of Attraction identified by research - but before we get onto them I need to cover a little background first. If you are desperate you can always skip to the laws - but just to warn you that if you do so it’ll only reinforce one of the points I make later about neediness, so best stay with me for the moment. It’s good practice.

Background to Research on Relationships
Happiness is the new buzz. There are books and blogs and new research projects springing up everywhere you look. In the research world - at least in that tiny portion of it devoted to the understanding of happiness - the talk is all about how to define happiness so that we can all be sure we are talking about the same thing; because then we can measure it and test for it and look at how it develops or doesn’t develop and so on and so on. Very exciting. If you like that kind of thing.

Unfortunately researchers are still far from an agreed definition of happiness and some even snigger at the quest. I don’t snigger - I want to know everything I can about the state of happiness, if only because I don’t much like the state of being unhappy. For those who are taking anti-depressive medication the question is even more important.

But there is one aspect in the research on happiness about which all are agreed - the stronger our relationships the happier we will be. The quality of our close relationships are understood to be key - influencing our physical as well as our mental well-being. So If you want to be a little happier then you need to foster good relationships. However, finding friends/lovers/partners with whom we can begin to be happy/happier is easier said than done. Luckily there are a few rules that could help  - lets call them The Laws of Attraction.

The Four Laws of Attraction

Proximity - the single most important factor that determines who we will come to know, befriend, and possibly love is proximity. Accidental proximity is called propinquity, literally "the coincidence of being near."

The two most famous studies documenting the relationship between proximity and attraction were conducted in college dormitories. Because most students who live in dormitories have not known each other previously, a dormitory provides a good setting to study how close relationships develop. In one study the dormitories were built in a U-shape around a central court covered with grass. The exterior sides of the building faced the street; the central section faced the inner courtyard.

Two factors appeared to exercise the greatest influence on personal relationships: the location of the apartments and the distances between them. The most important factor in determining who would be emotionally close to whom was the distance between their apartments. The closer people lived to each other, the more likely they were to become friends. Next door neighbours were far more likely to become friends with each other than with people who lived in adjacent buildings.

In fact, it was difficult to find close friendship between people who lived more than five apartments away from each other. In more than two thirds of the cases, close friendships were between next door neighbours.

In addition, the location of some of the apartments created more opportunities for their residents. Those residents who lived near the staircase or mailboxes met more of their fellow residents and met them more often. The frequent encounters increased the chances that these well located people would talk to others and get to know them, form friendships and increase their own popularity.

On the other hand, people who lived in apartments that faced the street had no next door neighbours. As a result these residents made half the number of friends made by those who lived facing the inner court.

Further studies demonstrated that as the geographic distance separating potential couples decreases, the probability of their marrying each other increases. In one of these studies, 431 couples who applied for marriage licences were interviewed. It turned out that 54% of the couples were separated by a distance of 16 blocks or fewer when they first went out together, and 37% were separated by a distance of five blocks or fewer. The number of marriages decreased as the distance increased between the couples’ places of residence.

What we see with the law of proximity is of course the familiarity effect or the mere exposure effect; this is a psychological phenomenon by which people tend to develop a preference for things merely because they are familiar with them.  In studies of interpersonal attraction, the more often a person is seen by someone, the more pleasing and likeable that person appears to be. 

Seeing a lot of someone gives you the chance to get to know them a little more and to build a relationship. Just think of your postman - after a while you feel as if you’ve known him for years even though you never really had more than a few words to exchange at each meeting, so that when you bump into him at the local pub you feel comfortable enough to start a conversation and get to know him a little better. You find out he’s happily married. 

So what can we conclude from this? A fair amount really. It means that if you want to make more friends then it really does matter where you position yourself in relation to other people. So you might want to move where you live if your current abode is isolating you from your neighbours. Forget "detached"; you want crowded. And choose the flat by the stairs/lifts/postboxes. And you need to be seen often - so moving from one part of town to another is perhaps not so wise; best to stay in one area and get your face known. Go to the same pub. Take coffee in the same coffee shop. Buy your food from local shops. Make sure you get to know  your neighbours - that means knocking on their door and asking to borrow some sugar. Hang about and become familiar. Your next best friend/lover/soul mate is probably just living down the corridor or across the road from you. So no need to travel the world looking for your ideal mate - they aren’t there, they’re right here under your nose.

Similarity -  is also a very powerful factor in accounting for friendships. In the studies mentioned above, room mates selected as being similar were much more likely to end up being friends. Another piece of research showed the same thing in paper-and-pencil fashion. Here subjects were given a description of another person and asked how much they thought they would like the person described on the paper. The more closely the "other person" resembled the subject, the more the subject expected to like the other person.

As a general rule the same factors that apply to the law of proximity affect the law of similarity - that is, we tend to gravitate to the familiar. We are more often attracted to people who are similar to us in intelligence, background, beliefs, looks and social class.

Difference is exciting but it can also be a little scary. Finding someone who shares similar experiences and understandings to you, on the other hand, can be exciting in a different way because it is self-affirming; you like the person even more because they are a bit like you! How good is that? 

Personally I go for maximum difference - I want someone bigger, older, brighter, wealthier and kinder than I consider myself to be. But the truth of research is that in actual fact opposites don’t really attract. Happy relationships are typically built on what people have in common and not on their differences.

So what should we take from this? That when looking for a friend/lover/partner it’s best to stick to people who you estimate will share similar attributes. There is absolutely no point wasting your time on developing a relationship with someone whose outlook on life is fundamentally at odds with your own. You’re only asking for trouble ahead. Don’t even think about changing them. It’s been tried and it doesn’t work - people aren’t play-dough.

Now the chances are that you will be able to make that judgement quite soon after bumping into that person in the corridor. You can tell a lot about another person from the way they look apparently - which is the third law of attraction.

Physical Appearance - this is going to be awkward, but someone has to let you know, so it might just as well be me: you are fairly average looking. You know how you dream about living ever after with a Pamela Anderson/James Dean lookalike? Well it’s not going to happen. Sorry about that. Best to know.

It’s not personal; it’s just a fact that, as a rule, we tend to fair best with partners who are no more or no less attractive than we are. There are, of course, the odd exceptions - much older, ugly man marries beautiful starlet. Yes, exactly. You noticed the stress on odd.

Physical appearance is a huge attractant and there are some rules you should know about.

Men don’t actually want stick thin, model type figures - they don’t like overweight either. They like comfortable, apparently. That’s good. Neither are men attracted to women who are on a constant diet - makes them suspicious. Suspicious in case one day you stop the diet and go from a size 8 to 18 overnight. So get rid of the diet and celebrate your comfortable figure - it’s more attractive than you think.

Women like men to be taller than they are and if they do have to be overweight then let them make it up with personality and wit. Remember Robbie Coltrane from the TV series Cracker? Like him - otherwise overweight is frowned upon by women. Oh, and women want men to be solvent (the more the better) and have good employment prospects - so quite picky I’d say. The stereotypical view of men being attracted to looks and women to money is confirmed then.

When it comes to choosing a long term partner, men as well as women look for someone who is intelligent (but not too obviously so, so get rid of those studious looking spectacles and put away that book on Neitzsche); dependable is a big attractant (so always do what you say you will do - get rid of the unpredictable behaviour you aren’t a pop star); healthy (especially important if children are planned); kind and loving (to them, obviously). And finally, no-one but no-one likes people who are "needy". You know who you are. It's so unattractive.That’s about it really. 

In conclusion, it seems that women are less taken by physical attractiveness if everything else is in place, and men are quite capable of seeing beyond outward appearances - up to a point, you are still average looking remember. So when out strolling the corridors/streets/local precincts, best to keep your eyes off the seriously good-looking neighbours and concentrate rather on the plainer features. Looking for a same sex partner? The same rules apply. Sorry. Just when you thought things might be different.

Reciprocity -  is liking someone who likes you. Reciprocity was manipulated in a study where subjects "accidentally overheard" another subject, actually a confederate of the researcher, expressing liking or disliking of the subject. Then the subject was asked to fill out a questionnaire that expressed liking or disliking for the confederate. The questionnaire mirrored the overheard comments. A confederate who had made positive comments about the subject was liked; one who made bad comments was disliked. A third group heard the confederate start by making bad comments and end by making good comments. These subjects, who thought they had "won him over" gave the confederate the highest ratings of all.
 
It seems that we give back what we get, so if you want to make a friend quickly and easily then pretend you like them enormously. In return they will just love you to bits. Alternatively, behave as if the person likes you (even if you have no idea at all what they really think) and soon they will. Works a treat. How shallow are we - really.

But there is more to reciprocity. If we spend time with people who we know like us and in return we like them, then we bolster one another’s self-esteem. We gain and give personal validation and that is protective. And it makes us happier.

And finally, there is the Ben Franklin Effect. My all time favourite. This states that people like you more if they have done a favour for you than if you have done a favour for them.

“He that has once done you a kindness, will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged”

So don’t go bending backwards to do others favours. Ask for favours of them. And that's the real secret to making friends. Just like your mother always told you - go ask next door if we can borrow a cup of sugar.

So all in all it’s quite simple really. If you want to find friends/lovers/partners for life then you only need to hang about your street corner. What kids have always known. If you want a better class of friend/lover/partner then go hang out on their street corners. If you really want to meet rich older men fly first-class and ask for their help. Trust me. I have it on good authority.

If you want cutting edge advice on how to get rid of junk friends and more on how to make and keep friends and be a good friend then you’ll need our section on "Social Work" in The Real Secret - available in paperback and kindle on Amazon.com and Amazon.co.uk


Posted by Annabel

How To Tell if your Marriage will last

Huston, a pioneer in the psychology of relationships, launched the Processes of Adaptation in Intimate Relationships (the "PAIR Project") in 1981. He followed 168 couples from their wedding day through 13 years of marriage looking at why so many marriages end in divorce. Past research suggested that newlyweds begin their life together in romantic bliss, and can then be brought down by their inability to navigate the issues that inevitably crop up during the marriage. Much of this previous research suggested that the best predictors of divorce are interactive difficulties, such as frequent expressions of antagonism, lack of respect for each other's ideas and similar interpersonal issues. But most of this research was done on couples who had been married a number of years, with many of them already well on their way to divorce. It came as no surprise, then, that researchers thought their hostility toward one another predicted the further demise of the relationship.

Huston's study was unique in that it looked at couples much earlier, before they got married and during the initial years of marriage, thus providing the first complete picture of the earliest stages of a marriage. Its four main findings were quite surprising.

First, contrary to popular belief, Huston found that many newlyweds are far from blissfully in love. Second, couples whose marriages begin in romantic bliss are particularly divorce-prone because such intensity is too hard to maintain. Believe it or not, marriages that start out with less "Hollywood romance" usually have more promising futures. Accordingly, and this is the third major finding, spouses in lasting but lacklustre marriages are not prone to divorce, as one might suspect; their marriages are less fulfilling to begin with, so there is no erosion of a Western-style romantic ideal. Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, it is the loss of love and affection, not the emergence of interpersonal issues, that sends couples journeying toward divorce.

By the end of Huston's study in 1994, the couples fell into four distinct groups. They were either married and happy; married and unhappy; divorced early, within seven years; or divorced later, after seven years--and each group showed a distinct pattern.

Those who remained happily married were very "in love" and affectionate as newlyweds. They showed less ambivalence, expressed negative feelings less often and viewed their mate more positively than other couples. Most importantly, these feelings remained stable over time. By contrast, although many couples who divorced later were very affectionate as newlyweds, they gradually became less loving, more negative, and more critical of their spouse.

Indeed, Huston found that how well spouses got along as newlyweds affected their future, but the major distinguishing factor between those who divorced and those who remained married was the amount of change in the relationship over its first two years.

"The first two years are key--that's when the risk of divorce is particularly high," he says. "And the changes that take place during this time tell us a lot about where the marriage is headed."

What surprised Huston most was the nature of the changes that led to divorce: The experiences of the 56 participating couples who divorced showed that loss of initial levels of love and affection, rather than conflict, was the most salient predictor of unhappiness and divorce. This loss sends the relationship into a downward spiral, leading to increased bickering and fighting, and to the collapse of the marriage.

"This ought to change the way we think about the early roots of what goes wrong in marriage," Huston said. "The dominant approach has been to work with couples to resolve conflict, but it should focus on preserving the positive feelings. That's a very important take-home lesson."

In other words, there is more to a successful relationship than simply managing conflict - loss of intimacy appears to be the greatest predictor of a doomed marriage. When people first fall in love they also seem to fall out of reality - ignoring each other's - and the relationship's shortcomings. But after they tie the knot, hidden aspects of their personalities emerge, and idealized images give way to more realistic ones. This can lead to disappointment, loss of love and, ultimately, unhappiness and divorce.


TAKE THE MARRIAGE QUIZ - taken from the Pair projects website here

Choose the answer that best describes your level of agreement with each of the following statements:

Part 1: Our Relationship As Newlyweds
1. As newlyweds, we were constantly touching, kissing, pledging our love or doing sweet things for one another.
Strongly disagree (1pt.) Disagree (2 pts.) Agree (3 pts.) Strongly agree (4 pts.)
2. As newlyweds, how often did you express criticism, anger, annoyance, impatience or dissatisfaction to one another?
Often (1 pt.) Sometimes (2 pts.) Rarely (3 pts.) Almost never (4 pts.)
3. As newlyweds, my partner and I felt we belonged together; we were extremely close and deeply in love.
Disagree (1 pt.) Mildly agree (2 pts.) Agree (3 pts.) Strongly agree (4 pts.)
4. As a newlywed, I think one or both of us were confused about our feelings toward each other, or worried that we were not right for each other.
Strongly agree (1 pt.) Agree (2 pts.) Disagree (3 pts.) Strongly disagree (4 pts.)

Part 2: Our Relationship By Our Second Anniversary
1. By our second anniversary, we were dlsappointed that we touched, kissed, pledged our love or did sweet things for one another less often than we had as newlyweds.
Strongly disagree (1 pt.) Disagree (2 pts.) Agree (3 pts.) Strongly agree (4 pts.)
2. By our second anniversary, we expressed criticism, anger, annoyance, impatience or dissatisfaction a lot more than we had as newlyweds.
Strongly disagree (1 pt.) Disagree (2 pts.) Agree (3 pts.) Strongly agree (4 pts.)
3. By our second anniversary, we fell much less belonging and closeness with one another than we had before.
Disagree (1 pt.) Mildly agree (2 pts.) Agree (3 pts.) Strongly agree (4 pts.)
4. By our second anniversary, I fell much more confused or worried about the relationship than I did as a newlywed.
Strongly disagree (1 pt.) Disagree (2 pts.) Agree (3 pts.) Strongly agree (4 pts.)

Scoring: Add up the points that correspond to your answers in Part 1. If you scored between 4 and 8, place yourself in Group "A." If you scored between 9 and 16, place yourself in Group "B."
Now add up the points that correspond to your answers in Part 2. If you scored between 4 and 8, place yourself in Group "C." If you scored between 9 and 16, place yourself in Group "D."

Your Results: Find the type of marriage first by considering your score in Part 1 (either A or B) in combination with your score in Part 2 (either C or D): If you scored A + C, read "Mixed Blessings"; If you scored A + D, read "Disengaging Duo"; If you scored B + C, read "A Fine Romance"; If you scored B + D, read "Disaffected Lovers."

Disaffected Lovers
The contrast between the giddiness you felt as newlyweds and how you felt later may cause disenchantment. While you and your spouse are still affectionate and in love, there are clouds behind the silver lining. You may bicker and disagree, which, combined with a loss of affection and love in your relationship, could give rise to the first serious doubts about your future together.

Food for Thought: Your relationship may be at risk for eventual divorce. But the pattern of decline early on does not have to continue. Ask yourself: Did we set ourselves up for disappointment with an overly romantic view of marriage? Did we assume it would require little effort to sustain? Did we take each other for granted? Did our disappointment lead to frustration and anger? Will continued bickering erode the love we have left?

A Fine Romance
You have a highly affectionate, loving and harmonious marriage. It may have lost a touch of its initial glow as the mundane realities of marriage have demanded more of your time. But you feel a certain sense of security in the marriage: The relationship's gifts you unwrapped as newlyweds continue to delight.

Food for Thought: You have the makings of a happy, stable marriage. The cohesive partnership you have maintained bodes well for its future. You will not always be happy--all marriages go through rough periods. But your ability to sustain a healthy marriage over the critical first two years suggests that you and your partner operate together like a thermostat in a home--when it's chilly, you identify the source of the draft and eliminate it, and when it's hot, you find ways to circulate cool air.

Mixed Blessings
Your marriage is less enchanting and filled with more conflict and ambivalence than Western society's romantic ideal, but it has changed little over its first two years, losing only a modicum of "good feeling." It seems to coast along, showing few signs that it will deteriorate further or become deeply distressed.

Food for Thought: This relationship may not be the romance you envisioned, but it just might serve you well. Many people in such relationships are content, finding their marriage a reassuringly stable foundation that allows them to devote their attention to career, children or other pursuits. Other people in these relationships are slightly dissatisfied, but stay married because the rewards outweigh the drawbacks. A few people may eventually leave such marriages in search of a "fine romance."

Disengaging Duo
You and your mate are not overly affectionate and frequently express displeasure with one another. In contrast to those in a marriage of "mixed blessings," the love you once felt diminished soon after the wedding, and you became more ambivalent about the relationship. You may already have a sense that your relationship is on shaky ground.

Food for Thought: Your relationship may be in immediate trouble. You may have married hoping that problems in the relationship would go away after the wedding, but they didn't. Ask yourself: Did I see our problems coming while we were dating? Did I think they would dissolve with marriage? What kinds of changes would I need to see in my partner in order to be happy? How likely are they to occur? How bad would things have to get before the marriage would no longer be worthwhile?


There is a great deal more research on the predictors of a good marriage and much of it from Huston and his team.

For one effective way of improving almost any relationship, check The Real Secret Step 8, "Richer Relationships". It is available in paperback and kindle format on www.amazon.com and www.amazon.co.uk , most other online booksellers and can be ordered through bookshops.

Posted by Annabel

Managing Stress Over The Festive Season

Handling your own stress and stressful situations which present during every festive season, requires communication between ALL family members.   Lack of this essential communication is one of the biggest reasons why relationships within families, hit tricky patches which can sully the entire holiday. 

 

Everyone has their own take on how Christmas should be.   If we just stop and think about the fact that family life is a blend, a merging of different individual family backgrounds with all the complexities, nuances, expectations and traditions this brings, it is not difficult to see how easily things can go wrong and how this can create enormous stress on a day when all we really want to achieve is happiness and enjoyment for all.

How many of us actually take time to discuss what each of us expects Christmas to be like. For example:   how many presents should children receive?   What time of the day do they open the presents and do they open them all at once?   Who is responsible for what in the kitchen?   Who is fetching elderly relatives?   While one of us is cooking, does the other one look after the children AND play host to guests?   In fact, what is the routine for the day? .....

Read the rest of this piece on Peace Of Mind Blog