Mothers' Day and the Thank You Letter

For all that Mothers' Day, or Mothering Sunday, has become commercialised, it offers most of us a great opportunity to reflect gratefully on the contribution our mothers have made to our lives and happiness, and to thank them for it.

Sizzla (above) turned his thanks into a song, but a card, gift or gesture will carry the same weight for those of us less artistically gifted - both for the recipient of our thanks and, indeed, for ourselves.

“I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.”

G.K. Chesterton, writer (1874-1936)

Counting your blessings, or consciously feeling appreciation, thankfulness or wonder, has been shown to raise levels of happiness in a wide range of psychological research projects.

"The Thank You Letter" is a Happiness Habit taken from research in Positive Psychology, like “Three Good Things” which is part of our Happiness Habits Experiment. "The Thank You Letter"  is another of Professor Martin Seligman’s “ happiness interventions” that demonstrably raised happiness levels in volunteers who took part in the project and produced the highest levels of subsequent positive emotion for a month afterwards. (If you do this once every month, you can look forward to seriously improved levels of joy and contentment.)
 

“Appreciation is a wonderful thing. It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.”

Voltaire (1694-1778)

Mother's Day is a great incentive to try this one out. The task is to write a letter to someone you know - in this case your mum - thanking them for their contribution to making your life happier.

That’s it. Simple? But effective!

You might decide you want to tell or show the person some or all of the things you have written about them, but that is not part of this Habit as we present it in Step 12 of The Real Secret. It may not be possible to give a Thank You Letter to someone who is no longer part of your life, or has passed away. In general, though, we suggest that before you do so, you think carefully about the timing and context in order not to embarrass or overwhelm the recipient, or even appear too gushing or insincere yourself.

On Mothers' Day, though, timing and context works perfectly if it is possible to give or send your Thank You Letter to your mum. It should bring happiness to her and, in a virtuous circle, her happiness will return still more pleasure to you. In fact by doing this you will also be carrying out our Happiness Habit No 4, Spreading Happiness.

Two Happiness Habits for the price of one. Happy Mothers' Day!

posted by Lucy

How to be happy - tips from recent research

It appears that people suffering with mild to moderate depression focus too much on the bad and the sad*, and that socially anxious people tend to remember negative rather than positive experiences*. When trained to shift their attention, both groups experienced a major improvement.

In the case of the research on depression, sad faces seemed particularly attractive to people with mild to moderate depression, whereas non-depressed people found neutral or happy faces more attractive. The question is whether the increased attention paid by depressed people to unhappy or sad themes is simply a byproduct of depression or might it be a cause?

Researchers looked at the question of whether biased attention towards sadness plays a maintaining role in depression and, more specifically, they looked at the question of  whether modifying the attention for sadness, by training participants to shift their attention toward neutral stimuli, could reduce depressive symptoms.

The study provided evidence for the first time that training attention away from unhappy or sad stimuli to neutral stimuli reduces depressive symptoms. In addition, these effects lasted beyond the duration of training. Perhaps most notably, these results provide additional evidence that, rather than being by-products or symptoms of depression, attentional biases towards sad themes play a causal role in the maintenance of depressive symptoms.

These findings worked with people with mild to moderate cases of depression, and those are also the people for whom anti-depressants often don’t work. Since we are all prone to episodes of mild depression, it may well be worth remembering to keep a tab on the amount of attention you pay to sad or unhappy events - and try to stop yourself.

In the study that looked at people who suffer from social anxiety, results showed that socially anxious individuals more easily forget socially positive words and experiences than do non-anxious individuals. It’s not that socially anxious individuals have fewer positive experiences than non-anxious individuals, it’s just that they appear not to recall them as readily.

Martin Seligman’s research is worth noting here. He found that the habit of writing down Three Good Things that went well each day increased happiness and decreased depressive symptoms for six months after the single week of testing.

So if you can get into the habit of writing Three Good Things that went well, and reasons - preferably to do with you - why they went well, even if you only manage it twice a week, you’ll have clocked up over Three Hundred Good Things that have happened to you in a year.

The first and last Steps of The Real Secret "Choose to be Happy" and "Smell the Roses" give you Habits that promote focusing on the positive and have been shown to raise happiness levels. Get your copy from Amazon.com or Amazon.co.uk in paperback or Kindle



* Tony T. Wells and Christopher G. Beevers (2010) Biased Attention and Dysphoria : Manipulating selective attention reduces subsequent depressive symptoms Cognition and Emotion, Vol. 24 (4)
* Chi-wen Liang et al., (2011) Absence of a positive bias in social anxiety: The application of a directed forgetting paradigm" Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry, Vol. 42 (2)

Post by Annabel

How long does it take to form habits?

A paper recently published in the European Journal of Social Psychology by Lally et al. (2009) looked at the question of how long it takes to form new habits. Very little scientific research had been done on this question;  the general understanding was that it takes more or less a month, depending on the habit and whether it was designed to replace an old 'bad' habit, such as smoking. It was assumed that an easy habit to form - lets say drinking a glass of water every morning on waking - would, in comparison, take very little time to become automatic. Whilst this all made sense there was, until Lally's research, no real evidence to support it. 

What the researchers found was that on average a new habit became embedded - and therefore automatic - after 66 days, and that at 66 days it had become as much a habit as it was ever going to become. 

Although the average was 66 days, there was marked variation in how long habits took to form, anywhere from 18 days up to 254 days in the different habits examined in this study. As you'd imagine, drinking a daily glass of water became automatic very quickly but doing 50 sit-ups before breakfast required a great deal more dedication. 

What was critical to success was the daily repetition. The researchers also found that missing the odd day did not reduce the chance of forming a habit, and that some people take longer to form habits than do others.

What this study reveals then, is that if we want to develop a relatively simple habit like taking a 5 minute walk in the park, it could take us no more than a month of daily repetitions before the behaviour becomes a habit, but if we want to introduce a habit such as 'not' smoking, or doing 50 sit-ups before breakfast then it will take at least 66 days and possibly more. The crucial key to success was daily repetition.

The question of what kinds of habits we should adopt is another story. Well it's a book actually - The Real Secret.

The Real Secret on Kindle

We have lift off!

The first edition of THE REAL SECRET is out - on Amazon Kindle  .

I've just downloaded my copy and it's looking great. Cheaper than the hard copy will be (available in about a week) - at £7.28, it's all there, from the Praise for The Real Secret (most of which we posted below), through the Introduction, How The Real Secret Works and the 12 Steps.

Kindles are quite addictive; more so than books because of the new technology. You just want to keep pressing the "page turn" button, just because you can. Then when you're reading a real book, you keep pressing the right hand side and waiting for the text to move on. I've had to turn mine off to stop reading my own book, which I know pretty much off by heart, so why would I bother?

If you don't have a Kindle (and I'd thoroughly recommend you ask for one for Christmas - they are brilliant!), and you have to wait another week or so to order your hard copy of THE REAL SECRET (which looks great too, of course), you can go to the website in the meantime - www.therealsecret.net; or follow us on Twitter - ; or "like" The Real Secret on Facebook -  .

If you do read THE REAL SECRET on Kindle, please do post a review on Amazon - and give us your comments here, too.

Back to the Kindle.
Cheers for now,
Lucy

Let's Make Christmas Simple!

Every year when December arrives many of us start to feel excited about Christmas. Children especially. For adults the excitement of Christmas also means a lot of hard work needs to be done. Tree, cards, food, presents, clothes, parties; the list is endless and the cost is high. So too is the stress.

As the annual pressure intensifies we find ourselves bombarded with images and adverts that tell us how to make things even better this year! Magazines display fantastic Christmas feasts that only the most dedicated and talented chef could hope to aspire to. Children beg for bigger and more costly presents to compete with their friends, so that the 'wish' list is replaced all too frequently by the 'demand' list. The amount of pressure on parents can feel overwhelming.

And then, on the big day, the pressure is released. The Christmas family row is now traditional.

This year why not try to make things simpler? In the end, what everyone really wants is a day of fun and good food with minimal stress.

Lets start with the food because it's here that expectations just seem to rise and rise. No-one really cares if the turkey has been stuffed with a chicken, which has in turn been stuffed with a quail! No-one really cares that there are six different vegetables all with their own special sauce. Every year, it seems to me, the pressure just seems to intensify with Christmas meals getting ever more complex, costly, and time consuming. This year why not just say no to all the hype?Go back to catering basics. What's wrong with a good roast and a few favourite vegetables followed by a Christmas pudding? Forget all the complicated trimmings and all the sauces. If you really want that, then fine, but just forget it if you don't. Make the food simple, hot, and on-time. Everyone will thank you.

Now on to presents. With the credit crunch affecting most of us we really don't have the money to waste. So this year we need to put a brake on over-kill consumption. A great deal of what we buy for others is junk. We all know it is, but for some reason we just go ahead anyway. It is such a waste of money, not to mention the packaging and production costs.

This is how to do it. If aunts, uncles, siblings and grand-parents normally buy a present for your child perhaps you could ask if this year you could all club together to afford one very special present. That way every child gets something that they really want, that parents, on their own, could probably not afford. One good present is worth a million junk presents - and you'll be surprised how pleased the children will be. If you think that one special present isn't enough then why not wrap up essential items like socks and under-wear that you would be buying anyway. And under every tree there should always be a family game that even the youngest can join in on. See? That's another wrapped present already.

Nowadays, it seems that even the humble stocking has got to be filled with junk. Lets make a stand against rampant consumerism. All those plastics junk toys are not doing anyone any favours. They're junking up our world. Not to mention our children's expectations.

For adults there is a wonderful party game which involves each adult buying and receiving only one present. It's fantastic fun, and not to be confused with the 'secret present' that often we have to buy for work colleagues. This is how it goes.

Lets say there are five adults. Each adult is instructed to buy one present of say £30 (enough for a good present). The present must be suitable for any of the other adults. It can't be food and it can't be drink and it must be interesting.

Each present is wrapped and a number from 1-5 is assigned to it by the host when it arrives. The numbers 1-5 are placed in a hat and the first person (usually the host) takes a number from the hat. They then open the correspondingly numbered present. The second person takes a number from the hat, but they now have a choice. They can either open the numbered present or steal the present of the host. As each further person picks out a number they have a greater choice because they can either open a new present or steal someone else's present. The person whose present has been stolen has another go. And so it goes on until all the presents are opened and every one has a present. When we played this present giving game last year our neighbours commented on the sound of laughter from what they thought was a full-scale party to which they had not been invited!

So there you have it - a few suggestions for making this Christmas more fun, less wasteful, less expensive, and less stressful - which is how it's meant to be, after all. Simple.

Praise for The Real Secret

“I read hundreds of self help books each year and most all say very much the same and make little impact on my life. But from the moment of reading the first few pages of The Real Secret I immediately knew this book was not in the same category. This is a book about doing. A work book that inspires you to do the work. I even tested out some of the exercises on myself and found myself making some immediate shifts. In these times of information overload it is not enough to have access to all this information. What makes a difference is when we apply what we know. This book is a great, easy to follow, self-directed guide to making lifelong, lasting changes. This will be one of those books I know I will be returning to year after year. Thank goodness we now know the secret of The Real Secret.”

Jackee Holder, Leadership & Management Coach, Writer & Inspirational Speaker

www.jackeeholder.com  

 “The Real Secret is a book that needed to be written. And well written it is. These days there is so much valuable and useful information out there for those seeking change.  But much of it is sensationalized and falls short of offering the practical planning and an implementation process that actually works. The Real Secret  does the sorting for you, is packed with genuinely tested and helpful advice and puts it into a practical 12 Step program that is easy to understand and easy to follow.  It should be on the ‘must read list’ for anyone genuinely seeking to transform their life.”   

Michael Lee MA. Founder of Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy, Author of Turn Stress Into Bliss

http://turn-stress-into-bliss.com   www.pryt.com

“This is a wonderful programme to bring you greater happiness and success in life. You can work through the 12 sections to make big changes, and use some of the brilliant tips to boost your confidence and self esteem. I’m recommending The Real Secret to all my clients."

Stephanie J Hale, Author of Millionaire Women, Millionaire You

www.millionairewomenmillionaireyou.com

"The Real Secret offers you simple ways to take control of your life and inject it with positive actions.”

Ceril Campbell, Lifestylist & Director of Discover The New You self-image and makeover workshops; Author of Discover The New You

www.cerilcampbell.com

"The Real Secret truly is just that, offering a practical, holistic approach to taking control of everything from your finances to your thoughts. A method which doesn’t just tell you what to do, but also shows you how to do it. This book can be used by both young people and adults alike, it is a must for those who want to make significant changes and those who just want to want to make a small shift. Its techniques allow you to see the possibilities you have within you, listen to yourself and feel positive about the changes you will surely make. I found myself wanting to skip forward to the next exercise, knowing that with each word I read my thoughts were becoming more and more positive as the need to read was becoming greater and greater! I would recommend this book to anyone. It will enhance and may change your life.”
Alison Campbell, Hypnotherapist (HypDip), NLP Practitioner and Coach 

"A refreshing return to reality! Following their successful audio and eBook, A Simpler Life (http://www.creativecontentdigital.com/), Lucy McCarraher and Annabel Shaw’s The Real Secret offers even more simple, sensible self help. I love the practical step by step approach! The Real Secret doesn’t offer you the universe, but it does explain in a very accessible way how to raise your levels of happiness and what to do when things get tough. An antidote to the claims made in many self-help books that anyone can have anything they want if only they wish hard enough, The Real Secret offers practical, real-life strategies to help you take control.”

Lorelei King, Actress and Publisher

www.loreleiking.com

"The Real Secret gives me a step by step blueprint towards achieving a happy, healthy life. I love the plain English approach backed up by techniques used by experts. It's well written, pacey and the exercises are easy to understand and complete. The programme design enables me to dip in and out of the chapters easily.  I will be recommending this book to all my clients".

Penelope Young, Author of Magnificent Ageing, Advocate and Coach 

www.magnificentageing.com

“As a writer with a background in science, I believe it’s never been more vital that reality fights back in the self-help book arena. Your personal happiness is far too important to be left to dangerous fads that have no basis in fact. The authors clearly mix deep empathy and life experience with rigorous scientific research and theory. The result is a breakthrough approach to the damaging obstacles that most of us face at some point in our lives and is the only life-improving manual I know that can be read comfortably by the regular guy, as well as by women.”

James L Clarke FIDM FRSA

“The Real Secret is a significant tool for anyone searching for personal development; a series of practical exercises and a passport to a future of your choosing. I recommend this modest but very powerful book to all my patients.”

Bernadette Dowling BSc, Medical Herbalist

www.thewellbeingclinic.org

“If you've ever felt you could do with a friend with a no-nonsense, uncompromising approach, able to offer advice on how to successfully transform your 'stuckness' in life, this book is that friend. Though in our heart of hearts we know that nothing can trump hard work, effort and exercise, it's too easy to succumb to the allure of the many self-help manuals out there that offer quick fixes and magic bullets. Labouring under no such illusions, this book examines the real nitty-gritty of what lasting personal change is all about whilst offering practical suggestions that break down the tasks into do-able and achievable chunks. What's more, the advice and techniques are backed up by a wide range of credible sources. I happily recommend this book to all my clients.”

Carmen Harris, Energy Healer, TV script writer, Children's Author, Educational Mentor

www.space-for-grace.webs.com

“McCarraher and Shaw have created an elegant how-to guide that is both easily accessible and based in sound scientific research. This book is perfect for anyone who is new to the path of personal transformation, or who has struggled to implement the Law of Attraction in their life.”

LeeAnn Mallorie, Somatic Coach & Nia Technique Instructor

“This inspirational book takes us right back to basics. It reinforces the truth that our happiness lies within ourselves. The Habits of The Real Secret are simple, positive steps for achieving a rich and fulfilled life. An easy and enjoyable read, to be recommended to anyone who is ready to make changes to get more out of life.”

Judy Reeves, Stress Management Consultant

http://www.stressconsultant.co.uk/